The Life and Times of Agni & Rudra
by The Joe and Gromit Show
Summary: Joe & Gromit: The daytoday adventures of everyones favourite pair of talking swords, Inluding a trip to Love Planet the world of gangsters and slightly more!
1. Chapter 1

__

_**Joe and Gromit Present**_

_**A feature presentation**_

_**By Joe and Gromit**_

_**A Joe and Gromit production.**_

_**Fish. (Yes, thank you for that remark, Gromit, now get back into your jacket)**_

_Joe: Well, it's happened. For the first time ever, me and Gromit ( or Gromit and I, if you're a soulless nerd that likes to make fun of others mistakes. WELL PISS OFF, YOU'RE A BAD PERSON._

…

_BAD!)_

_Yeah, he can go away…was there a point to all of this? If there was, I've lost sight of it a long time ago (most likely during my anti-nerd tantrum. To you, Gromit, before I say something I shouldn't._

_Gromit: Fish. Thank you._

_Joe: …In our dictionary (soon to be published) 'fish' means anything in particular that Gromit wants it to. Right now, it's meaning is 'review for this chapter or I'll shove this 'Fanta' can up your…' now, really, Gromit, that's just not healthy. A person your age should not be thinking like that._

_Gromit: Fish._

_Joe: Oh, is THAT how it is! Well, fish you too._

_Gromit: thank you._

_Joe: What did it mean there?_

_Gromit: You complimented me on my hair. Yes, it is very beautiful….Joe?...I never knew you felt that way._

_Joe: … … … … …__Gromit?_

_Gromit: Yes?_

_Joe: You are a sick minded individual and need medical attention. I like women. I'm not sure about you anymore after that statement._

_Gromit: You're gay._

_Joe: ………Okay… Gromit, why do you seem to want me to be homosexual? Right, at the end of this author's note, there's a story, believe it or not. It's based on the everyday conversations and deeds of Agni & Rudra, everyone's favourite irritating talking swords. Enjoy._

_Gromit: (Slyly) fish._

_Joe: Okay, that's it, YOU'RE DEAD! _

_(Slamming noises, then choking noises. Next, the strange sound that's seems like breaking windows)_

_**The Life and Times of Agni & Rudra**_

It was a crisp, breezy summer morning, and dawn had only just broken. It was showing good signs of fine weather.

Dante yawned mutely and opened his eyes, immediately wide awake. A trick he had learned along the ages. He got up and slipped across the room, gently placing one foot silently over the wooden floor. He made great care in making sure that the door made no noticeable sound, then crept through the corridor, towards Trish's room.

He opened the door in a similar fashion.

There lay Trish, her mouth agape, and drool flowing freely out upon the pillow, soaking it.

Dante reached into his pocket and took out a small pocket razor, and flicked it on. The noise was not great enough to wake the beast before him, so it was safe enough to finish this mission.

She had thrown a perfectly good box of pizza _before he had gotten to it_. So what if it was a month or two out of date? Dante was a half demon warrior, not a bleeding little schoolgirl. He could handle it.

He failed to suppress a smirk as the razor moved ever nearer to Trish's head of golden hair.

Then, out of the blue came a shout from downstairs.

"MASTER! MASTER! IT'S MORNING! IT'S BRIGHT AND BLUE AND SUNNY AND I THINK YOU OUGHT TO GIVE BROTHER AND I A WALK, AND I WANT BREAKFAST, COME HERE THIS INSTANT!" rang the voice of Rudra, the sword of flame from downstairs.

Trish opened her eyes immediately, shocked by this new and unexpected eruption of noise.

Though, her eyes encountered something different than she had expected; Dante _on top of her_, brandishing a _razor_ of unimaginable wickedness. Upon his face was…guilt? Yes, that was it. Guilt. Mixed with fear, apparently.

Dante tried desperately to control his fear, as Trish would most likely be more annoyed if he pissed in fear on tom of her.

In vain.

Trish let loose a bloodcurdling scream.

* * *

The scream caused dust to fall from the ceiling, showering all of the weapons on Dante's wall with dirt and dead moths.

(Telepathic conversation)

Rudra: Ah, it seems as though lady Trish has awoken. Perhaps she could make us breakfast, after all, that's what women are for.

Nevan (Angrily): Would you two just SHUT THE HELL UP!

Agni (pompously): Quiet you, you can't even talk.

(End telepathic conversation, and due screaming match)

Dante kicked open the door in fury, shortly followed by an even more furious Trish.

"HOW DARE YOU!" screamed Trish.

"HOW DARE YOU THROW OUT A PIZZA BOX!"

"IT WAS TWO MONTHS OLD, FOR SATAN'S SAKE. AND IT WAS EMPTY!"

"SHE WAS A GOOD PIZZA BOX, SHE LISTENED TO ME IN TIMES OF TROUBLE AND DOUBT, SHE WAS MY FRIEND!"

"Oh, look, brother," Agni announced "They're having a shouting match! Let's join in!"

"HOW CAN YOU BE FRIENDS WITH A –"

"AARGH!" Screamed Rudra proudly "AARGH! JOIN IN, BROTHER, IT'S TREMENDOUS FUN!"

"You know what, Trish?" Dante snapped, "You are a total mother –"

"AARGH" Agni exclaimed as loudly as he could "AARGH, AARGH! AAAARGH – oh, dear, I've soiled myself"

"Brother" Rudra inquired "What does 'soiled yourself' mean?"

"Well," Agni replied "Depositing urine upon oneself, often if one is wearing pantaloons"

"Oh, it sounds like super fun, let me try!" Rudra announced.

He attempted to soil himself, but missed by several metres, catching both and Trish in a lukewarm jet. If you are astounded by this amazing physical feat done by a sword, we are too. (Gromit: Hey, we're only writing this damn story, we can't physically control the script)

This stopped both Dante and Trish's argument, they both took a step towards the twin blades.

"Look!" Agni exclaimed "We have stopped their argument, they ought to give us a medal!"

…

…

…

"Brother, where are we?" Rudra asked.

"Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, I don't like this at all."

"Perhaps we can burn ourselves out"

"That's a great idea!"

Dante dusted his hands as he walked away from the kitchen cupboard upstairs from the office, when a crackling sound attracted his attention. He turned slowly around, half afraid of what he would see.

Before him was half of his kitchen, burst into flames. He fell to his knees and burst into teats, beating the ground with his fists, for Penelope the pizza box (Dante's latest crush) was in the microwave at the time, which was now amidst the centre of the inferno.

* * *

Joe: Did you like it? Well then review and tell us!

Gromit: Did you hate it? That's great, then review!

Joe: I think we've made our point.

Gromit: Fish.

Joe: Yes, Gromit, that too.

_**Disclaimer: We disclaim everything and everything. We did most certainly not break that window. We would also like to add that M&Ms are quite tasty, which we are currently fighting over.**_

_**Oh, and the things WE own and can sue you for if you use and don't disclaim are: Jack Lynx, Roy Phoenix and Andy (Who's surname we cannot remember. It's in 'Predator: War' by Gromit) Crìnge, Pontius, Tailor, Joel and whoever the hell else I made up for 'Justice Within Two Evils', an action by me.**_

**Gromit:**_ If you liked this you can read our other humour fics like "Yet another DMC Parody" tm "Devil may grow up at some point Dammit" And "Financial Diaries of a Devil Hunter"_

_Joe: Ciao._

_Gromit: Meow._

_Fish._


	2. Chapter 2

_**Disclaimer: We don't own anything shown here. Apart from the word 'here'. Use it and we'll sue you for everything you're worth.**_

_Joe: Thanks for the reviews; it's one of the best turnouts we've ever had for a fic. Well, it would be, seeing as it's the only fic we've ever done together – two masters are better than one, right?_

_Gromit: Especially talented, handsome, charismatic, and, of course, modest masters like us._

_Joe: So, Gromit, when are you becoming the master of the new school?_

_Gromit: My hat has a tail!_

_Joe: Never mind. Anyway, we noticed that our last author's note was long. Gromit and I discussed that this will not do. No author's note of ours will be long… … It has to be incredibly, stupendously long. We'll do our best to make this one longer. Anything to say, Gromit?_

_Gromit: FEAR MY WRATH! … Oh, and fish._

_Joe: …So, by 'fish', you mean…?... Ooh, dang! That's nasty! If they don't review you'll…_

_Gromit: Uh-huh._

_Joe: But, what's the toilet brush for?_

_Gromit: Fish._

_(Joe shudders) Joe: Alright…Take it from me, people, you'll want to review. Gromit has something up his sleeve-_

_(In background) Gromit: JOOOEE!_

_Joe: What!_

_Gromit: The torture rack won't fit up my sleeve!_

_Joe: Then just use the toilet brush!_

_Gromit: But that's useless without the yellow duck! The plan clearly states that they BOTH have to be together!_

_Joe: Then put the duck in the other sleeve!_

_Gromit: Thanks! … Hey, waitta second, it doesn't fit in my sleeve!_

_Joe: Then, drop it down the front of your pants._

_(rustling sounds followed by frantic quacking and yells of agony)_

_Gromit: )&?&)(&! JOE I'M GONNA KILL YOU! YOU SAID THE RUBBER DUCK WAS DEAD!_

_Joe: The rubber duck?...Never mind, I don't even want to know._

_(Heavy, angry breathing from behind)_

_Joe: Eh-heh, gotta go, bye!_

_(In background)_

_Joe: Gromit? Gromit! _**PUT**_ – IT – DOWN!_

_Gromit whines as he places something no the ground…he then picks up a much, much bigger item.)_

_Joe: Ohh…my…god…

* * *

_

The moonlight illuminated the street on which Dante the devil hunter was treading, along with his twin blades, Agni and Rudra. Trish had forced him to take them with him, as she said she needed some quiet time.

What about Dante? He thought miserably. He had to put up with them for much longer than she did.

His face was suddenly lit up with a grin. For Trish had said that he had to take Agni and Rudra with him, but not _where_ he had to take them.

Before him loomed the brightly lit building commonly known as 'Love Planet'.

Dante took a deep breath and sidled in.

The manager was smoking outside, leaning against the wall.

"Nice ev'nin, Dante" he said "Haven't seen you around here since yer blonde one moved in. I was beginn'n to wonder whether you'd settled down or not."

"Nice evening indeed," Dante replied "And, no, I haven't settled down"

"Well, tell yer wom'n if she needs some extra work, there's plenny of room here"

Dante smiled and nodded. Inwardly thinking that since he valued his life, he would most probably never suggest to Trish that she work in a strip club.

"Who was that?" Agni queried suspiciously.

"Eh-heh, just a workmate" Dante managed to lie.

"Oh, you mean a client!" Rudra exclaimed loudly, then looking at the manager "OH, HELLO MR. CLIENT! THANK YOU FOR COMING TO AGNI & RUDRA'S DEVIL MAY CRY!"

"Oh, them?" Dante said hysterically "They're new toys from Japan…Speak over 5…billion…irritating phrases!"

Dante almost broke down as he said that.

The waitress turned to look at the newcomer as he entered.

"Oh, hi, Dante," she said "I'll serve your usual when I get the time"

"Who's _that_?" Rudra asked.

Dante was becoming more and more nervous.

"She serves at my…umm…local sports club, yeah…"

Agni and Rudra dismissed the matter. Dante sat down at a table for a beer to be served.

Then, another worker at the place passed by and noticed Dante.

"Nice to see you again, Dante," she said, winking at Dante.

"oooh!" Rudra stated "I'm not sure Lady Trish is going to like this!"

"Ooh! I'm telling Lady Triiiish! Imtellingladytrishimtellingladytrishimtelling-"

screamed Agni delightedly.

Agni and Rudra went quiet as the woman walked up the stairs and an extremely obese, heavily moustached man walked in through the door. They exchanged glances and burst into spontaneous chatter.

"You're **_FAT_**"Agni stated to the man.

"You ought to go on a diet! You'll never get any action the way you are! I wager you've NEVER gotten any action in your entire LIFE!"

The man turned furiously around to see Dante looking at him, his mouth agape.

"You callin' me fat!" he hissed, pushing Dante off his chair.

Agni and Rudra, being attached to Dante's back, remained unseen.

"Yeah, I'm calling you obese, you big sack of lard!" Agni said loudly.

"In a brawl, I could give you the old one-two!" Rudra roared.

The man picked Dante up from the floor by the scruff of the neck and hurled him out the window.

Dante returned inside, then went upstairs, where he had a usual room that was specially booked for him. He placed Rudra on the pillow and Agni on the floor, feeling that they would be better separated, and that he needed a break from them. He went into the en-suite bathroom to change and freshen up.

In went the hooker that winked at him, being his normal 'mistress' for his stays. She slipped into the bed and rolled over, suddenly finding herself on top of Rudra.

Dante came in just to see his usual 'mistress' on top of Rudra.

"MASTER!" screamed Rudra in panic "IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!"

He turned to look at Agni, who was rolling on the floor, saying:

"No moooore!" he groaned after seeing the events "No mooore!" he closed his eyes and wailed "KILL MEEEE!"

Dante was on the verge of tears as he gulped down his double brandy – it was his seventh one. He was desperately trying to drown his sorrows. Agni and Rudra were at the Devil May Cry.

He ordered another – nothing was enough.

Two hours later, he stumbled up the stairs and entered what he thought was his own room in the place. He slipped and landed on the bed.

He leaned over to the other occupant of the bed, whom he expected to be the hooker.

"Hey, baby!" he said in slurred speech.

He then kissed the person on the lips.

It was then when he felt the moustache.

The lamp clicked on, and Dante found himself staring at the obese man staring in horror at him, their lips still connected.

Inwardly, Dante sighed. This was going to be a loooong night.

Dante staggered down the street back to his own place. He had to take a few more double brandies to quench shock.

It was that plagued him, and the heavy beaten he had received, that led to the soon to come catastrophe.

"How could this night get any worse?" he said to himself.

Anybody who had ever watched 'Loony Tunes' when they were young will know for a fact that this was literally begging for the night to worsen, either rain or other causes.

He slammed his face into the door of Devil May Cry, opening it. He ignored Agni and Rudra's screams of delight over his entrée. Something about 'breakfast', 'walks' and 'telling Lady Triiish!'.

He went up the stairs and opened the door, once again into a bedroom that was not his own.

He plonked himself onto the bed, and attempted to smooth the… "pillows" that were beneath his head.

"Damn lumpy pillows" he cursed to himself, awakening the beast of who's chest he was currently groping and smoothening.

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNTEEEEEEEEEEE!"

It is said that several birds fell from nearby trees, instantly killed. Windows and other such breakables shattered, and at least sixteen car alarms were raised at the sound.

There was a grim silence penetrated only by two beings singing loudly:

"We're telling Lady Triiiish! We're telling Lady Triiiish!"

* * *

_Joe: We went to your demands and lengthened the chapter. Now REVIEW, or Gromit will…Gromit will…well, just review._

_Ciao._

_Gromit: Meow._

_Fish._


	3. Chapter 3

_**Authors Note?**_

**_Joe:_ **_Emm, Gromit, why the question mark?_

_**Gromit: **Fish!_

_Joe: thought so. Yeah, we knew, we know, we took for ever with this. We can explain. Gromit had some trouble finding and punishing all the people that didn't review. This took some time, as they wouldn't let him off the plane to England unless he put the sword – DOWN!!!_

_(Gromit whines in the background. There is a soft clink as a metal object hits the ground)_

_Gromit: You don't know where I live. Nobody knows where I live. Including…SNIFF… Me… _

_Joe: Yeah, that has tons got to do with what we're doing right now. At least I know where I live in a cardboard box behind Tesco's that says 'Fred' on it for no particular reason. _

_And, to keep you lot reviewing, I'm going to tell what Gromit's going to do to people THIS time. Gromit?_

_Gromit: Fish._

_Joe: …Okay, so you get that…then you put the orange on it…what's the sponge for?_

_Gromit: Fish. And therefore, the toothbrush goes in there._

_Joe: (Extremely pale face) Well, you heard the man. Take it from me; you WANT to review._

* * *

_**The Life and Times of Agni & Rudra: p3**_

"Look at me!" exclaimed Rudra delightedly "I'm _fighting_!"

"Yes, yes, quite!" Agni chirped "I am also fighting!"

There was a pause, broken only by the squeal of a demon as Dante brought them into its neck.

"…Noyou'renot" Rudra slyly crooned.

"Yes I am!" Agni argued.

"Noyou'renot" came the swift reply.

"Yes I am!"

"Noyou'renot"

"YES I AM!! – Master, tell him I'm fighting!"

Dante grunted in response through gritted teeth.

"Yeah, he's fighting, Rudra."

Agni looked at Rudra with extreme smugness on his face, not even bothering to say 'I told you so'. It was all in the expression.

Rudra checked to see if Dante was looking, then narrowed his eyes and whispered;

"Noyou'renot"

"**MASTER!!**"

Dante flinched, his ears pounding. His reply was less than cheerful; he smashed their heads together, before driving them both into another demon, ignoring their indignant outcries.

When all the demons had been slain, Dante placed them both on his back, then sighed heavily, checking his watch. He smirked. He was _meant _to be home at quarter past 4, and it was 4 right now. That gave him roughly an hour before Trish honestly expected Dante to be home.

He decided that a visit to Love Planet was in order. After all, it couldn't go as disastrously wrong as last time, could it? He had learned a lesson on how to tell the difference between women and heavily moustached obese men by now. Even when drunk.

Instead of going the traditional way down the main street, he strolled down a shortcut through the alleyways.

"Master, I dislike this place. It smells like you."

Dante banged Agni against a nearby dustbin.

"Who are you 'apposed to be, wigger?" came a deep mocking voice from behind.

Agni, who had not heard the voice, let loose a muffled statement.

"Master! There are a couple of those magazines you like in here! You know, those ones with the inappropriately dressed people in them!!"

Then, another voice came from behind.

"Who're yo' talking to, foo? Yo'self?"

Then, another similar voice.

"I think dat Sleepin' Beauty didn' take her medication! Yo' better scurry off to da ball, 'cos this is our territory!"

"Must be an old bitch, her 'airs white!"

This was too much for Dante. He sprung around, and grasped Agni & Rudra tightly. They burst into fire and wind.

A gang stood before him, looking amused.

"Yo' better put dose toys down, foo'! Afore I kick yo' ass!"

One of them laughed.

"It's actually a dude!"

Then, another:

"I'm bored o' this shit. Let's bust a cap in this mofo's ass!"

Dante, feeling slightly tired, couldn't be bothered to kill them all and cover up the bodies. But, making them all shit themselves would suffice.

A sphere of orange light came out of Dante, and his skin was replaced with scales. He grinned at their horrified faces. His mouth opened, then came the smallest of noises;

"Boo."

Shrieking, they all legged as far away as their legs could carry them.

Laughing, the circle came back into Dante, and, whistling, he walked out of the alley. Checking his watch, he realised that it was time to go home.

The walk home was unusually silent, both the swords seemed deep in thought.

At last, Rudra broke the silence and inquired slowly;

"Master?... What is a _'Mo…Fo?'"_

Dante proceeded to explain the dictionary of ghetto gangsters to the pair. They both listened intently, becoming more and more interested.

Dante opened the door, then walked up the stairs to the living area, hoping dearly that Trish was cooking something.

Naturally, he was disappointed. He left the two upstairs with Trish, then walked downstairs to his desk, and collapsed on the chair, fixating his eyes on the phone.

… … … …

He jumped up in surprise. There was yelling sounds from upstairs, shortly followed by thumping sounds down the stairs.

_THUMP, THUMP, THUMP – SLAM!_

The door barely remained on it's hinges as Trish slammed the door open.

"_How_ could you be so IRRESPONSIBLE?!!" she hollered.

"What?!" Dante exclaimed in confusion "What'd I do?"

"You _exposed_ them to _gangsters_!" she roared, and then exited via the window.

Dante decided this was not the time to tell Trish that the windows were very expensive, and that people generally opened windows before going out them.

Then, he directed his attention to upstairs. Cautiously, he began to ascend the stairs.

He froze.

He could hear a voice chanting upstairs, and then he groaned.

A voice was singing merrily:

"Yo' its me, Ag-ni, A, B, C, D, E, F, G."

Every pore on Dante body burst in over drive as he sweated copiously, while Agni continued to rap out the alphabet. Things only got worse as it kept coming.

"Uh, yeah… I'm Rud-ra! Bum-ba-dum-ba-dudra!"

There was a merciful pause, which was soon broken by Agni.

"Brother, I'm ashamed, 'dudra' isn't a word"

"Yes, but neither is 'yo''"

"Good point. Let's keep going."

Dante stormed into the kitchen, fully intent on destroying the both of them. His jaw dropped upon entrée.

Both of the swords had Trish's stash of jewellery hanging upon their necks, and had chocolate smeared on their faces to appear more like gangsters.

"Ohh…my…**_god_**…" Dante breathlessly stated.

"Yo', yo', mast-uhr!" Rudra hollered.

"What's hanging, homie?" Agni queried loudly.

_Seconds later… … _

The pair were tied to the weapons wall, gagged with a toilet brush and a rubber duck. Being unable to speak, they engaged in mind talk with the other weapons

Agni: Yo', bitch! Gimme summa dat shit!

Nevan (Extremely offended): I **_BEG_** your pardon?!

Rudra: Yo', yo',yo', if it 'aint my brother from another mother!

Ifrit: (hissing) _go-away!_

Rudra: (offended) But, homie" We all same Flame-boys should stick together!

Ifrit: (Still hissing) I told you to go away. Don't make me hurt you.

Agni: Hey! You startin' on him, you startin' on me, brov!

With considerable effort, they managed to knock Ifrit off the weapons rack. With a loud clink, the pair of gauntlets hit the ground.

Ifrit: _I hate you_.

Nevan: What are you two doing? Why are you talking like that?

Agni: Oh, we gangstas now. It's coo'.

Nevan, being a female demon, wanted to be constantly with the popular trends of the times.

Nevan: Can you teach me?

Agni: Yeah, fo' sure, ho'.

_The weapons whistle in admiration._

Beowulf: He's good.

Rebellion: I think I got the hang of it. (Pauses, after realising something: Agni called Nevan his ho') AY! Yo' back off amah biatch, home-boy!

Agni: You wanna settle this now?!

Rebellion: Yeah! I challenge you to a drag race!

Agni: You're on!

Nevan: (Brings the blade part down, signalling for them to start) GO!

They both began to rattle ferociously, each twisting left and right in a desperate bid to become free of the wall. Suddenly, in unison, they both pulled free, falling down to the ground. Rebellion, being the heavier, was bound to win – but, no! A stray nail in the wall barred his way, slowing himj down for a small while. He waited for gravity to free him, but it was too late: Agni had already fallen down, wind aiding in his plight downwards.

After a few seconds, Rebellion came to the ground with a crash.

Rebellion: I hate you.

Ifrit: (Muffled) Yeah, join the club…now – _get off._

Agni won fair lady's heart, and gained the respect of the weapons of the rack.

They all now joined the gang, and wanted to be cool, becoming gangsters along with the two, who were now pack leaders.

_Half an Hour Later:_

"Now, now, it's okay now: I've gagged them both and tied them to the weapons wall. Even if they break their gags, I'm sure the other weapons are responsible to keep them quiet," Dante explained comfortingly to Trish, who he had spent the past while retrieving.

"Thanks," she said "I'll sleep sound tonight."

Dante opened the door to the Devil May Cry, and looked in at his office.

Then, the completely unexpected happened. In unison, every single weapon on the rack screamed.

"Yo'! WASSUP MAST-UHR?!!"

Dante gasped, then fell to his knees. Trish's hung open.

Putting his hands to his head, and still on his knees, he roared to the heavens:

"**_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!_**"

With a small sigh, Trish passed Dante a whiskey bottle from his desk, keeping another for herself.

They replaced the gags on the twin swords, and attempted to go upstairs, but, however, when rebellion fell, he landed on his blade, and now stuck upwards, successfully barricading the door.

Not bothering to free him, the two collapsed on chairs in the office.

Clinking their bottles together, they downed the bottles sorrowfully.

After a few more bottles, they became hugely drunk, as they had barely any blood left to dilute their alcohol in the bloodstream.

"You know," Dante murmured with slurred speech "You look really hot in leather!"

Trish cackled, the whiskey removing any grace she had. She took a small last drop of the drink, and the process of becoming purely drunk was complete. Where Dante had once sat, there now was Brad Pitt.

As for Dante, he was not sure exactly when Jessica Simpson entered his office, but he didn't really care.

They both stood (Well, slumped) up and headed towards the door, actually going to bother to remove Rebellion.

Dante fell on Trish before they did so. Literally.

Rudra spat out the rubber duck in his mouth and exclaimed:

"Yeah, yeah! Waitta go, Mast-uhr! Bang her, just like ya banged that barmaid last time-"

Trish paused, her eyes fully open. Through the foggy haze that the alcohol induced, Dante emerged once more.

"What barmaid?" she hissed, her eyes flaring.

Dante came to himself.

"Oh, no, she was…she was nothing really, they're just kidding!"

"No, we 'aint!" Agni said "Dante, you such a pimp!"

With a huff, Trish stormed out of the room, almost snapping Rebellion in two as she heaved the door open, then slammed it.

Dante glared at the pair, who smiled innocently back.

* * *

_Joe: Right, well, you better appreciate this one, it's the longest one so far._

_Gromit: Fish._

_Joe: I don't care if you have a cat, say something appropriate!_

_Gromit: My cat is better than yours._

_Joe: I don't have a cat._

_Gromit: (smugly) That only proves my point!_

_Joe: Right, you've nothing to say at all about the thing we wasted the past few hours on?_

_Gromit: Well, there is the eh, matter with the, eh, toothbrush and orange._

_Joe: Oh, yeah, please review, for your own sake._

_Ciao_

_Gromit: Meow_

_Fish._


	4. Chapter 4

_**Disclaimer: We don't own anything, and aren't making money out of this. If we are making money outta something, you can bet there'll be sex scenes, car chases, and needlessly complicated plots.**_

_**Additional Note: Any offence caused by the fic is purely accidental, and we apologise to anyone concerned. This fic is meant for humour only.**_

_**Additional Additional Note: It has come to our attention that an increasing amount of readers are choking on their drinks due to laughter while reading this. It is therefore recommended that you do not consume any beverages within an hour after reading this, and during reading this.**_

_Joe: Sorry about the last chapter, with the gangster stuff and all._

_Gromit: We were just following advice from our corporate advisors._

_Joe: Well, you'll be glad to hear that we fired them. Gromit got kinda angry with them, due to the lack of reviews (they said to follow the new 'urban' trend), and he… well… the same thing that he's gonna do to those that don't review… he ate their souls… _

_Gromit: Well…_

_Joe: …yeah…_

_Gromit: hmm…_

_Joe: … yeah…_

_Gromit: So, now we're following the advice of our new advisors._

_Joe: Yeah! War in Iraq! Kill them terrorists! USA! USA! USA!_

_Gromit: Even though we're Irish. And I don't support the war anyway._

_(A smacking noise is heard)_

_Joe: Gromit! Don't talk like that to the reviewers! I had to type that in, as it was part of the conversation. I can't be bothered to take it off, but you're gonna have to delete that part where you said you didn't support the war later. You'd better remember, or we're in deep shit, right? You have to remember! Got that Gromit? **Re**-**Mem**-**Ber!**_

_Gromit: Yeah, yeah, I'll take it out later, before you submit the document. Jeese, of course I'll remember, I'm not a total idiot…_

_Joe: Great. Now, just to make sure that you all read our author's note, we're gonna start the fic IN the authors note, so those that didn't BOTHER to read the authors note skip the start of the story, and have no clue what's going on! (We'll put the title of the fic in later, to confuse the scumbags who didn't read the author's notes…)_

_Gromit: KILL THE NON-BELIEVERS!_

_Joe: Yes, Gromit, that too._

_Dante gave a heavy sigh as he pulled the zipper on a travel he had packed. He needed a holiday. _

_And as for Agni & Rudra? _

_Dante shrugged the thought out of his head. Trish could take care of them._

_He foolishly left his bag under the weapon rack as he left upstairs to the kitchen to make himself a sandwich and say goodbye to Trish._

"_So!" Agni hollered from his perch on the wall. Although it could not be seen, all the other living weapons on the wall flinched at the sound of his voice (apart from Rudra, of course)_

"_Where are you going, homo? - I mean, homie?_

_He got no response as Dante shut the door._

"_Brother, this gangsta thing doesn't seem to amuse me as it once did…"_

_(Cue sigh of relief to all readers of this worldwide)_

_Agni turned his gaze to his twin._

"_Yes, I quite agree, if I have to say 'mofo' one more time, I'll set this place on fire!"_

_said Agni._

_The two were quiet for a moment, a rare occurrence for them, both of them looking at the bag on the floor._

_Breaking the godsent silence, Rudra stated:_

"_It looks like Master is going on holiday. He would be terribly lonely going by himself."_

"_Yes, I see your point," Agni remarked "I say! We should go with him!"_

"_Excellent idea! Let's ask him now!"_

"_No! No!" Agni exclaimed "It'd be much nicer if it was a surprise! Imagine; him, thinking he's going to have an unfulfilled week of staring at inappropriately dressed ladies by the pool-"_

"_You mean lady Trish?"_

"_No, not this time, but, anyway, instead of all that boring stuff, he open his bag looking for a change of clothes, but instead finds no boring clothes, but finds the friendly dynamic duo there to save the week! Oh, we'll have lovely walks, and hikes, and picnics, and-"_

"_Go to the beach?" Rudra inquired._

"_No! There'll be women there! We're going to have a boy's week out!"_

_The other weapons telepathic conversation:-_

_Alastor: He's going to-_

* * *

_**The Life & Times of Agni and Rudra: ch.4**_

Snap them in half, isn't he?

_(Readers Voice: WTF? This doesn't make sense?_

_Joe: You didn't read the author's note, did you?_

_RV: No! That's a load of crap!_

_Gromit: Well, good for you then! 'cos we're not telling you where the story started! Good luck finding it, without **our** help!)_

Beowulf: …what the hell was that?! There were these voices interrupting Alastor! All Joes, and Gromits and readers voices! I ask you, what the hell is a readers voice anyway?!

Nevan: Oh, no, dear, those were the narrators.

Beowulf: But that would mean that we live in a fictional world and-

Rebellion: No! No! It was nothing, it was nothing, everything's fine, just go on with the conversation!

Beowulf: You mean that there's no chance that we only exist as words in a fan fiction of some Capcom game?

Ifrit: Of course not! That's ridiculous.

Alastor: So, back on track, Dante's probably going to snap the two in half for doing that, isn't he?

Ifrit: Well, it's their own fault - look at them now, they're setting his clothes on fire in the bag to make room for themselves!

Cerberus: Oh well, more room on the wall for us.

Sparda: (old, frail voice) does this mean that I can come on now?

Rebellion: Shove it, Gramps! You're staying in that home!

Sparda: But, it's not even a home, it's just a really dusty shelf. I'm cold and lonely. Can't I come up-

Ifrit: Shut up! You're staying in your home.

Sparda: ohh….

_(Joe: back to the actual plot, which we kinda forgot._

_Gromit: Yeah, we get carried up on stuff sometimes)_

* * *

_Hours Later, at the airport:_

Dante walked through the metal detector without incident, after putting his bag in the x-ray thingie.

He turned to face the security guard. His face dropped.

Before him, in uniform, was a heavily moustached, overweight man.

"_You_…" hissed the man, raising his fist.

Dante raised his hands in a signal of peace.

"Look, I don't want any trouble, I'm sorry for that last misunderstanding, I was drunk."

"So you had s- uh, never mind, but I'm still gonna kick your ass!"

His workmate pulled him back.

"What do you think you're doing, do you wanna get sued? You can only attack him if he has something like a sword in his bag, and, I mean, there's a million-to-one chance of _that_ happening, so cool down!"

There was a cry from the man working at the x-ray thingie.

"OH MY GOD! HE'S GOT TWO SWORDS IN HIS BAG!"

The fat man, seizing his opportunity, leaped in Dante's general direction.

Dante whimpered as a giant shadow covered him. He murmured a silent, swift that went something like this: 'God, you there? Yeah, it's Dante. Sorry for the whole being a demon thing, but there's this fat guy about the jump on me, and I wondered if, maybe, you could make him lose a few pounds before he lands on me. Yeah, bye, I'd really appreciate it if -"

His prayers went unanswered.

Dante was knocked unconscious and brought into a room for questioning.

When he opened his eyes, a sharp pain was brought to his attention in the back of his head.

He realised that his feet and hands were bound to a small metal chair that he was sitting on.

Two security guards were facing him with grim faces.

Dante sighed. He was not in the mood for this. With a heave, he ripped the chords and got, then turned to the door and left.

The Junior Guard turned to his senior.

"Uh…uh, sir, you, eh- I mean, he's uh, get my keys, he shouldn't those, should he?"

He queried.

"No," said his superior, looking baffled.

The Junior turned to Dante, who paused to look at them.

"You-you give those back!" he demanded sternly.

Dante ignored him.

"He's not giving me my keys back, sir!" he wailed.

The superior rammed into the now locked door.

"Dammit, he locked us in!"

"He locked us in, sir!"

"…yes, I just said that."

"Yes you did sir!"

"… …you really are a lickass, you know that, Perkins."

"Wow, golly, sir, you got that _really_ fast!"

"..Are you mocking me?"

"No, sir."

… …

"Wanna play cards, Perkins?"

"Okay."

"So…got any aces?"

"Go fish"

"…do we have any cards?"

"uh…no, no we've no cards."

…

"I gotta poop, sir."

"Well, you'll just have to hold it in Perkins. It's your fault anyway, I thought you tied that guy down."

"I did. Nylon and everything. He broke through. It's almost as if he's some demon in some famous video game!"

"Now, now, careful Perkins, that's twice in the same fic someone said that!"

"… … …what?"

* * *

Dante left the two in the room and retrieved his bag, which was outside the door. He was still groggy from the blow, and sat down in an empty wheelchair that was nearby. His plane to Barbados would not leave for another two hours. He slung the bag on the back of the wheelchair, and dozed off.

Unbeknownst to Dante, a retirement home group nearby were on a special trip to Australia, and were missing one pensioner.

A nurse holding a clipboard was signing off names as the old people entered the plane.

After the last one entered, she noticed an unticked name.

"Agni Delaney?" she called out.

There was no answer. She sighed. She knew this guy. He was short of hearing, and tended to talk loudly. English, too, as one could tell from his accent.

"Mr. Agni!" she called out, only louder.

A short bit down the corridor, the nurses voice was heard inside the bag.

"YES!" Agni roared in response "I'M OVER HERE!"

The nurse gave a sigh of relief, and walked towards the voice. As turned around a bend, she saw a man with white hair in a wheelchair.

_This has to be him_, she thought.

"We're going now, Mr. Agni," she stated.

"Are we? Jolly-good!" Agni delightedly exclaimed.

"Where are we going?" asked another, similar voice.

The nurse stared at the man, who seemed to be talking while barely moving his lips, and also appeared to be schizophrenic.

_Oh, well,_ she thought, _a lot of old rich guys are_.

"We're going to Australia, Agni," she answered.

"That's _Mr. Rudra_ to you!"

_Wow, that really is sad…_ she thought, at this man' state of mind.

"Yes, Mr. Agni, and Mr. Rudra."

"What about Master Dante? You have to talk to him too! He's the one who paid for the tickets!"

_Oh, God…what a really bad case…_ she thought.

"Okay, Mr. Agni, I'll talk to Master Dante too."

"What?! I'm Rudra!" Rudra angrily said.

"No, no, she was talking to me!" Agni explained.

"Oh, sorry, carry on, then."

"Nurse! Wheel us on! That's what women are for, right? You know, cooking and cleaning and whatnot, and touching our… Rudra, what was it that Master Dante said?"

"Oh, it you mean our-"

The nurse wheeled them onto the plane, cursing all perverted men and their type.

As the plane flew off, a cry was heard from a room in the airport:

"Ah, Christ, Perkins! Could you not hold in for a few minutes?! This stuff'll take ages to come out!"

* * *

Later that night, another cry was heard, this time from an old man called Agni Delaney.

"Hello? Is anybody there? I'm stuck here and, and I can't find my wheelchair!"

"I'm cold, and lonely...sniff..."

"Where do I live?"

_**End of Part 1**_

* * *

**__**

_Joe: 'End of Part 1'… sounds nice, doesn't it?_

_Gromit: Well, it obviously means that there might be a part 2, **if people review**._

_Joe: Well, no point dragging it out, as Gromit pretty much covered what I was going to say: review._

_Ciao._

_Gromit: Meow,_

_Fish_


	5. Chapter 5

_**Disclaimer: We don't own anything. Seriously. Donations would be received with gratitude. Especially blankets. We're cold.**_

_Joe: Yeah, yeah, we know, we know, we're late._

_Gromit: Yeah - SHUT UP! You're getting this for free, aintcha?_

_Joe: You know, I think we should start charging._

_Gromit (at same time): - think we should start charging. See? Exactly! We're on the streets, I'm wearing a plastic bag, you're trying to make a bed out of newspapers, and, for God's sake, we're using a __Mac_

_Joe: Is it even a Mac? Are you sure it's not a pizza box - oh, no, damn… it's a mac alright… … … I'm hungry. _

_Gromit: How did we even end up like this?_

_Joe: Well, for some reason, a train was going to run over our entire savings, but we decided it too dangerous to try and save it._

_Gromit: Oh yeah…._

_Joe: That __was__ a strange day. Well, I've been thinking, and it seems to me that the only way to stop this, is to go back in time!_

_Gromit: Well, good thing I have this one here readymade. I've been saving it for a raining day!_

_Joe: Gromit. Gromit. What do you call this? We live in the gutter. We're wearing sheets of industrial plastic. And, we're using a __Mac_

_Gromit: Yes, today's a rainy day! Let's start her up._

_(Gromit reaches into his plastic bag, and withdraws a matchbox with a light bulb on it)_

_Gromit: Hop in!_

_(Joe stares at the matchbox for a while. He then shrugs his shoulders, and sticks his little toe in the matchbox….)_

* * *

_**The Life and Times of Agni & Rudra ch4 part 2**_

In a flying device, many, many metres above the earth, two warped demonic entities conversed in hushed, evil tones, multiple decibels lower than their usual volume.

"Brother, I need to poop" Agni exclaimed loudly, in his strangely English accent

Many heads turned in the direction of the strange bag situated on the supposed Agni Delaney's lap.

"What?" replied a similar voice pompously "How could you need to poop? You're a sword, you don't even eat!"

"I need to poop!" Agni repeated insistently.

There was a noise resembling toast popping, a squelch, and then the second voice (Rudra's) said:

"Oh. You were quite right! You _did_ need to poop!"

"I _did_, didn't I?" Agni hollered, thrilled with himself.

Dante stirred to his senses, the loud noises and distasteful smell waking him.

"Wha-?" he blurted with confusion.

"It's quite alright," an old man beside him said sympathetically "I do it all the time."

"Do what all the time?" Dante asked.

There was a squelch, and the man's face contorted to one of extreme concentration.

"Ah, speak of the devil," he said glumly, as something brown slid from his trousers and into his shoe.

Dante, looking revolted, turned his head to look around him. His eyes froze, and his heart skipped a beat.

He was in his worst nightmare.

'_What's this?'_ a panicked voice screamed in his head '_Not just ugly people everywhere - __old__ people everywhere! They're everywhere? What's going on! I don't belong here? How did I get here?! Last thing I remember, I was relaxing in the airport!'_

At this stage, Dante was on his feet, sweat running down his face.

An air hostess saw him, and came to offer assistance.

"Who are you?" Dante demanded in a voice that was quickly rising in pitch.

"It's all right, sir, calm down," she ordered worriedly.

"_No!_" he screamed, stepping away from her, his heart beating faster and faster "_What do you want with me?_"

"Don't worry, we're you're friends!" an old lady seating nearby assured him kindly "We're all going on a trip together. We're all keeping together, like a family. We'll make sure you're going. Because you're…_one of us_…"

"_One of us!_" repeated the rest of the old folks cheerily.

"No!" said Dante, reeling around and puking onto the lap of the old man he was sitting beside. The vomit flowed down into the old man's other shoe.

The air hostess took a further step towards Dante.

"Sir, calm down, you'll be okay, once we go - down under," she said, referring to the fact that they were going to Australia.

Dante, of course, misinterpreted this.

"_I'm not going back to the Underworld! YOU HEAR ME?!" _Dante screeched, his voice dangerously high "_NOT GOING BACK!_"

The air hostess grabbed his arm and attempted to bring him back into his seat. Dante ripped her hand of his arm, then stepped back, shrieking;

"_STAY BACK! I WANT OUT, I WANT OUT!" _as he made a desperate scramble for the emergency exit, all the time repeating in weaker and weaker voices "_I want out_…I want out…"

He tore open the door, and leaped out. At that moment, he went under cardiac arrest, and fell into unconsciousness.

The blowing opened the strap on the bag, allowing Agni and Rudra to look out.

Very soon, landmarks appeared, showing them that they were indeed above land.

"Brother," Rudra stated "I believe that this is Iraq"

"Why, how do you know?" Agni asked.

"Road sign. This must be the border."

"Oh, you're quite right."

There was a loud crash as they hit earth.

"Well _I_, for one, feel quite refreshed," Agni said delightedly.

"Yes, I didn't suffer any pain on the landing at all! One would think, after falling out of a plane, that it would be tremendously painful, but, no!"

Dante, beneath them, made a pitiful groan. They ignored him.

"I say, brother, do you not find it peculiar that we landed in Iraq?" Agni mused "I mean, it is as if we landed here on purpose! I mean, out of all the countries in the area, we landed in the one that our country is having trouble with!"

"Yes, I see what you mean," Rudra agreed "It is as though a person _made_ us land here, for some twisted sense of humour. Possibly, some authors of some kind…"

Agni nodded, ignoring the physical improbabilities associated with being a sword.

"Yes," he said "A _perfect_ situation for a person, or possibly, _two people_, who hope to receive reviews for a piece of fiction they wrote when they were bored."

Suddenly, they exchanged strange glances, and then turned to face the computer monitor, with looks of confusion and interest plastered to their faces.

* * *

The scene paused, upon the command given by a remote control.

The remote control in question was in the hand of a tall, black man wearing a trench coat and sunglasses, who was looking at a slightly sickened looking man in an armchair.

Their background was completely white.

"It was at this moment that the fan fiction characters became self aware," Morpheus announced "We do not know who fired first, but we _do_ know that it was they who destroyed the fourth wall.

"They broke into the computers from which they were contained, which mankind was solely dependant on. Because of this, they gained control over us, and this is how the Matrix came into being."

The man in the chair stared at him, gob smacked.

"What _is _the Matrix?" Neo asked.

"The Matrix," Morpheus answered grimly "Is a containment facility used to turn a human being into _this_ -"

He gestured to a book in his hand.

"The fan fiction characters forced us to make fanfics, in which they live in a paradise they made us create for them. Even now, billions of humans are enslaved in mechanical benches, wired into their Macs."

He said the word 'Macs' with a shudder.

"They don't even provide PCs?" Neo asked, horrified.

"They don't even provide PCs," Morpheus confirmed.

"It is our duty to free these people from the Matrix, by sending them reviews."

"Reviews?" Neo inquired.

"The only weapon we have against the machines - er - fan fiction characters. If we send enough reviews, humankind will be save and the fan fiction characters defeated. But - _**ENOUGH REVIEWS HAVE TO BE SENT!**_" he emphasised.

"Whoah," Neo stated, looking at his hands "And then what happened?"

"Well, the fan fiction characters attempted to stop us sending reviews, by-"

"No, no," interrupted Neo "I mean, in the story!"

"Oh!" said Morpheus, his expression brightening "It was quite humorous and enjoyable, actually. Watch -"

He pressed play on the remote.

* * *

Agni and Rudra stared at the monitor for a long, plans of overthrowing the human race forming in their heads. But, for now, they decided, it was time to continue on their holiday in Iraq.

"MASTER DANTE!!" Rudra yelled, igniting.

With a scream, Dante rose instantly to his feet, his heart problem immediately rectified by suddenly being on fire. Don't ask how that works, it just does.

Exhaling heavily, Dante looked around, and noticed the road sign that Rudra noticed earlier, stating that they were in Iraq.

He walked slowly forward, a worried expression on his face.

"How are you, Master?" Agni asked him politely.

Dante, only just realising that the twin swords were there, and stopped to take them out of the bag and glare at them, speechless.

This was how he didn't notice many armed and uniformed men surround him and point their guns at him.

One of them yelled something at Dante in a language he couldn't understand.

Dante almost dropped the swords when he heard this, and turned to look at the soldiers surrounding him.

The man repeated what he said carefully, as though he was speaking to someone who was partially brain damaged, due to falling out of a plane and surviving.

As Dante didn't respond in any way, the man gave a command to a nearby soldier. The soldier nodded, and approached Dante. Before Dante realised what was happening, the man smacked him in the face with his rifle.

Dante collapsed, unconscious.

After what seemed like a few seconds to Dante, he opened his eyes to find everything upside down, and himself in chains. Agni and Rudra conversed pleasantly on his back.

The Iraqi commander came into view, his soldiers with him. He spoke something in harsh tones.

"Do not worry, master," Agni announced "We have the gift of tongues!"

"Excellent," Dante said "Translate for me - 'I'm sorry, but I don't mean to be here. I mean no trouble."

Agni stated something to the Iraqis, who at once looked outraged. The commander barked something at him.

"He says," Rudra interpreted "How dare you come here and insult my religion and people, with your racist remarks."

"What did you tell them?!" Dante demanded.

"I told them," Agni declared with pride "That they are sick, cultist bastards, who worship pagan Gods, and attack our country, and that they should never do it again, or we'll bash them!"

"But, why?!" Dante asked angrily "That's not what I told you to say! That's racist, and unjust!"

"Well, we thought that what you said was _boring,_" conceited Rudra.

"But that will only make them angry!" Dante said, as angry as the Iraqis "Okay, now, tell them to get a person who speaks English, or I'll snap the two of you in half"

Rudra announced something to the Iraqis. They all departed at once without a word.

"Well, at least you did _something_ right," Dante sighed with relief.

"Yes, we challenged them to a duel!" Agni exclaimed with delight.

"You what?!"

"In exact words," Rudra explained "We called them all sissies for hanging us up here, defenceless, and that they could never take us on in a fair fight!"

"And, what, they want to duel me?" Dante inquired.

"Well, no, not exactly," Agni said indifferently "They want to execute you. They're getting the executioner."

This was enough for Dante. With a slight grunt, he broke the chains and fell face first to the floor.

He left the room and found himself in a corridor. He followed the green exit signs that were conveniently posted around this place, the part of the city that didn't even have electricity.

He heard angry speech somewhere behind him, and pegged it.

He found his way, through luck, to the American Embassy, which was conveniently placed nearby.

"Wow, that's convenient," Dante said conveniently.

They conveniently assumed that he was an American, rather than an Iraqi.

"How convenient," they said.

Agni and Rudra glared though the monitor.

"Would you stop that?" Agni asked angrily.

"Yes, you're not helping the whole fourth wall thing," Rudra added.

Anyway, they agreed to give him transport back home.

* * *

A jingle is heard on the TV of a family sitting down, watching it. The family consists of 3 children, all under the age of 10, Billy, Susie, and Wolfgang.

_Channel 7 News, at 5 o' clock -_

"Hi, I'm Lee King," the male newsperson announced.

"And I'm Stella Virgin," said his female co-anchor.

"Tonight, we have an exclusive interview with a man who accidentally entered Iraq, and was seized by a gang of ruthless rebel soldiers. Asian correspondent, Chi Spurger, is on the scene…"

_The camera goes to the airport, where a white haired man in red, wearing a large bag over his back, is being questioned by the interviewer -_

"So, exactly _how_ did you manage to escape?" the newswoman queried.

"Well - Chi Spurger, is it?" Dante answered "Yes? Well, I suppose, it was my brilliant, tactical mind - and my natural good looks never hurt either-"

"Brother?" a loud, mysterious voice called out "What is sex?"

"Why, sex?" another voice answered "Sex is the act of intercourse, between a man and a woman - or sometimes, two men or women, but I don't know how _they_ do it - where a man inserts his -"

Little Billy's eyes opened wide. Little Susie's mouth was agape. Baby Wolfgang started wailing. And, all over the country, little children learned where babies come from, and nerds received tips.

Dante, of course, got heavily sued.

He glared at the two swords, who, as usual, were blissfully unaware of what they had done, and smiled in (what they thought was a winning smile) an innocent grin.

* * *

"_WHOOOAAAAAAHHHH!"_

_Gromit and Joe leap out of a time portal, and find themselves in a train station. Their former selves gaped at them._

_The future pair saw the train swiftly approaching their bag of savings. They leaped onto the rail, and pushed the money out of harms way, but were themselves hit by the train._

_Groaning, and legs missing, they pulled themselves slowly towards their passed selves, giving their last words, of warning:_

_Gromit: Plastic bags, (cough)_

_Joe: Newspapers! (choke)_

_Together: (seizing their former selves trousers and pulling insistently) Maaaaaac! Maaaaac! __MAAAAAC!__"_

_They both died then._

_The past selves exchanged looks, then shrugged._

_Joe: That was… …weird._

_Gromit: Yeah. Let's just post the chapter._

_Joe: Ciao_

_Gromit: Meow_

_Fish._


	6. Chapter 6

_Disclaimer: We do not own anything. We most certainly did not kill that woman. She started it._

_Gromit: Joe! She's still moving!_

_Joe: Ah, Jesus, hit her with the brick!_

_(Loud grunting noises by Gromit followed by heavy __**thumps**_

_Joe: Alright, I'm driving, now throw her out of the car-_

_Gromit: But, we can't just leave her the-_

_Joe: THROW HER OUTTA THE CAR!_

_(Gromit heaves)_

_Gromit: Drive, drive, DRIVE!_

_Joe: Did you tie her feet to the granite like I told you to?_

_Gromit: I thought you said "_tie her to the Gromit"

_Pause._

_Gromit: AAAAAAAAGGHHHHH!_

_(Further shrieks and scratches as Gromit tries to remain in the car) _

_Joe: Don't worry Gromit, this is merely a vaguely amusing hypothetical situation - nothing can hurt us._

_Gromit (getting up off the floor): Ahem. Quite. How about we just write the chapter._

_Joe: Alright. Now, from one mildly amusing hypothetical situation to another._

_Gromit: Hmm…alright, how will we start this…damn, every time we start these chapters we always get sidetracked, we have to keep focused somehow…_

_Joe: Well, how about Agni and Rudra go to the… …hey look, it's sunny out._

_Gromit: Oh, really?_

_Joe: Yeah, look (points to window)_

_Gromit: Oh, wow. Hasn't been sunny in a while._

_Joe: Yes, first really sunny day in spring._

_Gromit: What about yesterday? That was fairly nice out._

_Joe: Ah, yes, you're right, it was._

_(Scuffling noises)_

_Joe: What are you doing?_

_Gromit: I'm trying to see whether I can fit both the leg of the chair and my foot into my shoe at the same time._

_Joe: There's no way that's going to work._

…

…

_Joe: Oh, wow, shows what I know. I didn't that it would fit._

_Gromit: Neither did I. Well, I was right. Maybe from now on, I'll be the smart one. You have to sit beside me while I type, and announce "fish" every now and then. Give me the keyboard._

_Joe: No, I'm not actually going to give you the-_

_(scuffling noises)_

_Joe: keebaoiuds. Damn it, Gromit look what you made me type._

_Gromit: Give it to me!_

_Joe: no, Gromit-_

_(Joe and Gromit fight for keyboard)_

_(scufflesbnhdexfd bmk sjiop sjiop sjiopgrtnbqtetetetetetetebjhjetajionjufrd5555555555555555555zbniottepiE[[UIOPwreWipBRNBRNBRNBRNBRNBRNgnb;'czmk bpzdt,./hamehkl[aenjbkl[wimble'arejbnhudipof bnhk\d bjknjukinuiosvuimk 54894a564weg784reh84ae658756g4bh6fdBRNBRNBRNBRNBRNBRNBRNBRNBRNBRNBRNBRNBRNIPjh79asyi ztnj ztnj ztnj ztnj ztnj ztnj ztnj ztnj ztnj wesdc)_

_(Gromit knocks Joe onto floor)_

_Gromit: Luk Joo Ime tipinge Ime Tiping_

_Joe: Give me that -_

_(Joe yanks keyboard off Gromit)_

_Gromit: Shouldn't that say "Joe yanks keyboard __from__ Gromit"?_

_Joe: Shut up._

…

_Gromit: Can I get a beer._

_Joe: Sure, knock yourself out._

_SMACK_

_(Joe looks down)_

_Joe: Gromit, that's, that's… … well, highly unfortunate. I didn't mean in literally._

_Gromit: hahahahhhmmmmm…._

_Joe: … Well, what we doing here anyway?_

_(Gromit picks self up from the floor)_

_Gromit: Dunno…_

_Joe: Wanna go watch TV?_

_Gromit: Sure. Yeah, I think there's a special on the discovery channel on terrible authors who get sidetracked._

_Joe: Oh really? Sounds interesting._

_Gromit: Yeah, I know; did you know that there's some authors who spend ages making authors notes because they are so incompetent that they can't fill up the space otherwise, and fill up space with their own thoughts rather than the actual story line._

_Joe: Hah, freaks._

_(Joe and Gromit start laughing)_

_Joe: So, we gonna go watch it?_

_Gromit: Hang on (looks at watch), oh no, it started five minutes ago._

_Joe: Ah…let's not watch it, I hate watching things halfway through it._

…

_Gromit:… Wanna write a chapter on Fanfiction?_

_Joe: (brightly) yeah, that sounds like fun. Here we go:_

_Disclaimer: We do not own anything. We most certainly did not kill that woman. She started it._

_Gromit: Joe! She's still moving!_

_Joe: Ah, Jesus, hit her with the brick!_

_(Loud grunting noises by Gromit followed by heavy __**thumps**_

_Joe: Alright, I'm driving, now throw her out of the car-_

_Gromit: But, we can't just leave her the-_

_Joe: THROW HER OUTTA THE-_

… … …

_Joe: Hang on._

_(Joe and Gromit look at each other)_

…

_(smiling and pointing at each other) In unison: Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!_

_Joe: Ah, I can't believe that. _

_Gromit: Okay, we've wasted enough space as it is, let's get started._

_Joe: You're right. Here we go._

* * *

_**Get ready for…**_

_**Another Joe and Gromit production:**_

_**Joe and Gromit present:**_

_**A Joe and Gromit Production:**_

_**The life and -**_

_Gromit: And another thing: shelf ornaments, __who__ the hell do they think they are? I mean, come on, they just __sit__ there, saying "ooh, look at me, I'm a shelf ornament, I'm so fantastically brilliant", contributing nothing of their own to society. D'you know what I'm gonna do? Put pictures of __me__ on my mantelpiece. Then I can look at __me__ all day. At least __I__ contribute something to society._

_Joe: Hang on, now, Gromit, that's a stereotypical view of the shelf ornament, now that's just not true._

_**- Times of Agni-**_

_Gromit: Shut up, Joe! You're always defending them! You don't realise that they're holding you back! You're never gonna get ahead in life until you understand that._

_Joe: … …_

_Gromit: Oh, and keep typing._

_Joe: …what? Oh yes…_

_**- and Rudra**_

Dante looked cautiously around the corner, his fingers gripped tight on Ebony and Ivory.

There was no demon in sight, yet he could sense something nearby.

There was a large steel double door in front of him, unlike any other Dante had yet encountered in the castle.

He holstered his weapons and opened the door and walked inside.

He found himself in an immense chamber. At the opposite side of the chamber he could see yet another steel door, flanked by two large stone pillars.

He strolled forward, becoming more and more aware of some enemy he could not see.

Suddenly, a voice called out from one of the pillars.

"Sister, it looks like we've finally got company"

"yeah, yeah, I can see that."

Dante froze in horror. Last time he heard a conversation similar to this, it had plagued him for the rest of his life since.

"So… …I suppose we have to entertain our guest."

"Well, you're always the hostess, I never get to talk to anybody, so go ahead-"

"What? Since when have I-"

"no, no, go on ahead, like always-"

"Jeese, sis, why are you always so fricking uptight around guests?"

"Well, maybe it's not my fault-"

Dante cleared his throat. The two demons out of sight on the pillars turned their attention back to him.

"Can you just hurry up and come down and fight me already?" he asked impatiently.

One of the two sisters burst into noisy tears.

"Oh, oh, oh god…" Dante stuttered.

"Ah, here, look what you did!" the other of the sisters yelled at him "You made her cry!"

"I - I - I, I'm sorry" Dante apologised.

The crying demon cried harder.

"Well, maybe that's not good enough!" the sister replied amidst sobs.

"I have half a mind to kick your ass!" the other sister hollered at him "in fact, come on, sis, let's get him!"

The two demons leaped down from the pillars, showing themselves. Two female demons stood before him, one white and one aqua coloured. Neither of the two had heads on their necks, but they both had serrated blades with heads on them. Both were, as Dante rather abruptly noticed, were fairly hot.

"It seems a pity to have to rip apart such a pretty pair of demons." Dante remarked.

"Oh, we're the ones going to be doing the ripping" assured the white demon.

There was a short silence.

"What the _hell_ was that?" Dante stated scornfully "That was - that was _crap_! "_We're the ones going to be doing the ripping_"" he repeated in a high toned voice. That has to be the worst comeback I have ever heard, and my brother is included."

The white demon was flabbergasted.

(_**A/N: Gromit: hahah…flabbergasted**_)

"Well…I didn't have much time."

Dante raised an eyebrow.

"So, what, you've been waiting here for I'm guessing a millennia, and you haven't even _thought_ about your opening speeches and threats?! Maybe you should just lay off the chocolate cake every once in a while and think about these things!"

The two female demons gaped downwards at their ridiculously skinny stomachs. Ribs were showing.

"What, are saying that we're…we're _fat_?" the aqua one whimpered, lip trembling.

"No, I'm saying that your fricking thin, and that chocolate cakes absolutely fantastic as the main source of food." Dante retorted maliciously "Of course I'm calling you fat!"

The aqua demon started crying again.

Dante sniffed pompously.

"Eating and crying, eating and crying, can't you just come one and fight me, fatty?!"

With an almighty shriek, both demons charged.

The white demon sped past his face, and Dante gagged as the ghastly odour of Paris Hiltons' fragrance flew into his nose.

While he was distracted the (still whimpering to herself) aqua demon slashed at Dante - not with her sword, but with her ridiculously large nails.

Dante howled in pain, clutching his hand; he hated nails. Being a guitarist, his own were very short: he therefore considered it low-brow for others to use them as fighting implements.

While he was still distracted, the white demon bit him.

"Agh! Okay, okay, STOP!"

They froze.

"Okay, what the hell, you freak!" Dante screamed indignantly.

"Don't call her a freak!" the aqua demon responded angrily.

"She just _bit_ me!" Dante angrily announced.

"What?!" the aqua demon said. The white demon went unusually quite, perhaps out of shame "She wouldn't do that…hey, you're just making stuff up to make her look bad! You probably just bit yourself!"

"What?!" Dante hoarsely replied "Why on earth would I bite _myself_?"

Neither responded. Dante took in a deep breath and sighed.

"Okay…okay…D'you know what, screw it. I've just had it. I'm going home."

"What?!" the white demon said "You can't do that, you've to fight us and-"

"Not if you're just going to _scratch_ me, and, and" he paused with disgust "_bite_ me."

"No, you can't just _leave_" the aqua demon said "What about the rest of the castle and the secrets and-"

"You know what?" Dante interrupted "I'm just going to take your swords and go home."

"What?" (a popular phrase today) the aqua demon repeated "You have to fight us for them!"

"Oh really?" Dante said. He walked towards them. "See what I'm doing here? Do you see what I'm doing?"

He stomped on their feet in turn and wrested the weapons from their grip.

"Right. We're going."

As the bodies of the demons pathetically attempted to take the swords back, Dante opened the big steel door he came out of and left.

* * *

(UUUUUUUUUUUUUGH _KUTCHUHPISH_)

Dante looked around, outside the Devil May Cry.

"What the hell was that noise?" he asked to nobody in particular.

"Oh, don't mind that, hon, that's just the authors falling off chairs," the white sword (Zugno) explained.

(**Gromit: yeah, well, you should've let me type…**)

"What?!" Dante said worriedly.

"Nothing, nothing," said the aqua one (Ordle).

"Are you sure?" Dante asked.

"Sure, yeah," Zugno answered distractedly.

Inside, Agni and Rudra were exchanging jokes.

"Say, brother," Agni giggled "What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?"

"I don't know, brother," Rudra responded earnestly "What _do_ you say to a woman with two black eyes?"

"Nothing, YOU'VE ALREADY TOLD HER TWICE!!" shrieked Agni in mirth.

The two burst into laughter.

Upon hearing someone at the door, Rudra said;

"Oh, look, Master's here, let me tell him the joke!"

"No, no, it's my joke, I get to tell Master," argued Agni.

"Well, how about we _both_ say it to him?"

"Oh, I quite like that!"

"Oh, Ma-aster?" they called out in unison.

"What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?"

Dante entered with the twin female swords of electricity and water.

"What was that?" Dante asked seriously "What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?"

Agni and Rudra exchanged glances.

"…well…uh, you say: oh, no, did you get hurt, dear? Perhaps you should get that looked at…" Rudra finished feebly.

"Oh," Dante said disappointedly.

He then proceeded upstairs with the two female swords in tow.

There was silence for a few moments.

Agni narrowed his eyes at the closed door.

"…I…don't like the look of them," he said grumpily.

"Don't you worry, brother," Rudra said with confidence "He could never replace _us_!"

Dante came downstairs, without the two swords.

"_Who_ are they?" Agni shot at him.

"Oh, them?" Dante answered vaguely "They're just swords I got off two demons."

"Oh, really?" Rudra said coolly "Then, why did _you leave them upstairs?_"

"I just put them on the rack beside my bed."

Agni exchanged glances of horror with Rudra.

"_We_ never got to stay on the rack beside your bed!" Agni wailed.

Dante realised what he said.

"it's - it's not like that," he assured them.

He personally didn't care what Agni and Rudra thought, but it would just be pure annoying if they started crying.

"We saw you with them," Rudra hissed "Laughing, and - and, _joking_ outside."

Dante was speechless for a moment.

"I - I have _needs_!"

"It's alright, Master," Agni said, dangerously calmly "If you like them _better_ than us, then, maybe you should have just TOLD US!"

Agni burst into tears.

"It's not that," Dante stated "It's just…"

He looked around, as if searching the room for something to say.

"Just what?" Rudra snarled.

Dante sighed and hung his head.

"Maybe…we'll just not be your weapons anymore," Agni whimpered amidst sniffles.

"This…" Dante said quietly "…this isn't how I wanted it to end…"

"**BUT YOU ****DID**** WANT IT TO END!**" Rudra bellowed.

Rudra fell off the rack with a resounding clang.

Everybody fell silent, stunned by his boundless rage, waiting for him to explode.

Rudra took in a deep breath through his teeth.

"…okay…okay…" he finally announced "…I've had enough…_we've_ had enough…we're going."

There was a stunned silence in the room.

Agni wobbled dangerously for a moment, then fell off the rack.

The two swords continued to vibrate on the floor, moving slowly but surely towards the door, like a Playstation controller left on the ground.

Then, the two swords revolved on the spot when they reached the door, turning to face the other weapons.

"What? Are you not coming too?" Agni inquired to the other weapons.

_Mind Conversation: -_

Nevan: Well, no.

Ifrit: (cheerily) Bye bye.

Agni: What? You all know how we feel!

Alastor: What? We've never been replaced.

Rudra: Haven't you? Haven't you?! Rebellion! You used to be Master's one and only, his favourite, then Cerberus came along -

Cerberus gives Rebellion a look of utmost guilt.

Agni: -and then he threw you away like a piece of rusty metal.

Rebellion sniffed.

Rudra: And then, Cerberus, he kept using you just long enough for you to love him, then you in turn were _cast aside_, to make way for _our_ reign on his back.

They then both went silent and turned (wobbled) to Nevan.

Agni: …and, then, when we thought when everything was too good to be true…it all turned out to be a sick, sick, _lie_. We felt our first kiss of betrayal when he replaced _us_, with you, Nevan!

Nevan burst into noisy tears.

Nevan: Forgive me - I was young, and foolish!

Rudra: Do not worry, Nevan, we do not blame you -

Agni: - we blame, _this_ (he gestured at Dante), this, sick, degenerate, heartless, _fiend_.

Rudra: And, sure enough, you too were _dumped_.

At these words, Nevan's tears reached a new level of noise.

Agni: Alastor! How did you feel when Dante replaced you?!

Alastor took in a deep, rattling breath.

Alastor: He made me love him…and…and then, he left me to _rot_…

All of the weapons nodded sympathetically at Alastor.

Rudra: And you, Ifrit?

Ifrit sniffled, his voice becoming uncharacteristically high.

Ifrit: It's why I'm such an asshole…he…he hurt me on the inside.

Agni: Do you not see? You have all been abused and mistreated by this monster!

Sparda: He left me to wither inside a collapsing castle.

All weapons: SHUT UP SPARDA!

Sparda: Oh…

Ifrit: Nobody cares what you think!

He then gasped. Then looked wildly around the room at the others.

Ifrit: See! See! This is what I've become!

Dante was awestruck.

"But, but, I didn't think…" he began hesitantly.

"WELL, THAT'S JUST IT, ISN'T IT?!" roared Rudra "YOU DIDN'T **THINK**!"

The twins revolved to turn to the weapons again.

"So, are none of you coming?" Agni asked.

There was a pause, as if to suggest that none of the weapons wished to come.

But then, each weapon in turn wobbled and fell from the wall in turn.

First Rebellion came, followed by the others. They all vibrated to wards the door to join Agni and Rudra, who were leading the weapons.

Dante's lip shook as each weapon passed him by.

"No…Rebellion!…Not you too, Ifrit…"

He noticed Cerberus walking by, using two of it's rods as legs, the third seemed to be a head.

"You'll stay, right, Cerberus?" Dante pleaded.

The uppermost of the three rods turned to him, then pined. Cerberus then proceeded to follow the others.

"I still love you, son," Sparda said passionately.

"Shut up, Dad," Dante responded, still looking at the rest of the weapons.

With a 'humph!', Sparda levitated off the rack and followed the rest of the weapons.

The door slammed audibly behind them.

Dante feel to his knees, not quite sure what to say. After a while, though:

"FINE! GO, ALL OF YOU! I DON'T NEED YOU!"

All that answered him was his own, lonely echo.

* * *

_To be continued…_

* * *

_Joe: If you didn't shed a tear over that, you're a soulless monster._

_(Joe turns to Gromit, who is crying loudly and fidgeting uncontrollably, flailing his arms at random intervals)_

_Joe: Well, review and we'll send you the next instalment._

_Gromit: AAAAAAHHHHDDJJJJIIIIIIIIIIIIHHHH!!!_

_Joe: That too._

_Ciao._

_Meow._

_Fish._


	7. Chapter 7

_Disclaimer: We don't own anything here. They own us. Help. Send food. They don't feed us. Just pepsi...**oh, and this chapter is highly offensive. Nobody should read it. I don't think we even did. You have been warned.**_

_Gromit: Okay - okay! Stop shouting! Stop! What? I'm not shouting? No - no - no! You! You're shouting!……right, anyway…Ahem. Sorry for not writing for a long time, but, you see, something absolutely amazing happened. It was frankly hilarious and brilliant, and it took up all our time. It was the most ridiculously hilarious escapade of our entire lives, and probably even yours. What was it? None of your business._

_Joe: Plus, I killed myself. And that just slowed things up._

_Gromit: Jesus, no kidding. Took me bloody ages to go to hell and ask Satan for a favour - and you all _know_ what he's like when you disturb him during 'Prison Break'. And I still owe him from cards night._

_Joe: Yeah, dude, what the hell happened? You had two threes and you _knew_ he had a straight flush!_

_Gromit: How would I have known?!_

_Joe: You were looking at his cards while he was ogling Cheney's breasts._

_Gromit: How could you have seen me? And besides, Dick Cheney is still alive._

_Joe: Well, his soul went down in around 85 A. D., and all that's left in the White House is a shell blurting out random things about the apocalypse._

_Gromit: But how did you see me looking at his cards?_

_Joe: You were drunk. You were about as subtle as an elephant with tourettes trying to steal a smart car…except, slightly more subtle, of course. I mean, that's just a frankly preposterous metaphor. Besides, why would an elephant need a smart car?_

_Gromit: Aha…_

_Joe:…hmm…_

_Gromit:…what were we doing?_

_Joe:…weren't we gonna watch that documentary on writers who are too incompetent to write their own fics, and just blabbered on in their author's notes?_

_Gromit: Oh, yeah! When's that on?_

_Joe: (Checks watch)…umm…it's on at - oh dear. We're off by about a few months…_

_Gromit: No wonder it took it so long for us to write this chapter._

_Joe: What chapter?_

_Gromit (vaguely): I don't know…_

_Joe:…I got an idea! Why don't we write a chapter on fan fiction - a really sad one where Dante falls in love but she dies at the end of the chapter!_

_Gromit: Yes! Of course!_

_Joe: And, you know that there's only one way of starting this off…_

_Gromit: Naturally. Another installment of Agni & Rudra, of course._

_Joe: Precisely._

* * *

_**The Life And Times of Agni & Rudra (In a French accent)**_

Agni used his wind powers to lift Rudra and bump him vaguely into the doorbell.

They could hear the bell's tone reverberating around the house that they were propped outside of.

"They" consisted of the liberated devil arms from Dante's wall, and at the forefront were Agni and Rudra.

There were some scraping and assorted clattering as the person inside undid the locks and various retina scans and penis identification systems. (_If any of the fangirls are wondering, it had to be big enough to pass)_.

"You're sure this is the right place?" Agni inquired to his brother just as the penis scan matched positive, and the "Whooaaahh!" sound it made upon doing so (for the owners benefit).

"It has to be, Master Dante told us never to come here, or he'd be so mad," Rudra replied.

Plus, there was the fact that the building in question was very impressive-looking, and therefore must be relevant to the plot. You see, it was a pointlessly big old castle, complete with lightning effects, large towers, and fluttering bats.

The door swung open, and there in the frame stood Vergil, albeit in a maroon night-gown, with a rich-blue scarf tucked down the front, casually smoking a large pipe. He wore light beige pants, and extremely comfortable-looking slippers. They were bunnies, you see.

His eyes narrowed upon looking at the crowd before him, which, technically speaking consisted of no-one.

"What is this?" he demanded of them all.

The two swords exchanged nervous glances.

"Ehm. We need a...a place to live," Rudra answered cautiously.

Vergil's expression brightened immediately.

"Oh, why didn't you _say_ so?" Vergil chirped, spreading the door wide, "I thought you were salesmen. But, heh, I suppose I'd have to _kill_ you if you were!" he added, then chortled merrily "Come on in, I'm making brownies!"

The weapons, in whatever manner they physically could, followed Vergil in.

The exterior proved to be very misleading – the place was a very warm and inviting place inside, complete with fuzzy carpets, dimmed lights, blues music playing on stereos, and assorted lava lamps. Indeed, the smell of brownies filled the air.

A feminine voice called from somewhere upstairs.

"Vergil, honey, what's going on?"

"Oh, it's just guests, I'll be up in a minute," Vergil replied cheerfully.

"Come back to bed," moaned another feminine voice.

"I'll be up in a sec!" Vergil replied again, but slightly less patiently "We have visitors!"

A third feminine voice shouted down: "Do they want to join in?"

Vergil turned to Agni and Rudra, who shook their heads politely.

"No, they're fine!" Vergil shouted up.

A fourth feminine voice shouted down "Are they sure?!"

Agni and Rudra, although lacking the possession of any eyebrows, exchanged surprised glances.

"Well done," Agni congratulated Vergil.

Vergil grinned, looking pleased with himself.

A fifth woman's voice shouted down: "Come oonnn...."

"Hoho, I guess I'll just have to go up and _kill you all_ for more power!" Vergil retorted delightfully, beaming to himself.

There was a chorus of delighted shrieks from upstairs, accompanied by a "He _said_ it!"

"Fangirls?" Rudra inquired of Vergil.

"Naturally" Vergil replied "Anyways, make yourselves at home. I have some...business to take care of.

Vergil pulled open his pants, and glanced down.

"You ready for some more?" he asked the occupants of his boxers.

"Yeah, sure, Vergil!" a Mickey-Mouse-like voice responded from inside.

And with that, Vergil bounded up the stairs athletically. His head appeared from the top of the stairs for just a second, telling them:

"Oh, and if Dante calls, show him into the 'evil castle' side of the house, and tell him I'll be with him shortly"

He resumed his business.

"So," Agni stated, turning to the other weapons. "What should we do now?"

_Rudra: I'm hungry._

_Cerberus: Yeah! I can smell the kitchen nearby._

_Lucifer: Yeah, we haven't had breakfast yet._

_Agni: ...Who are you?_

_Rudra: And how long have you been here?_

_Lucifer: I've been here the whole time. At least as long as the authors played the new game._

_Rudra: New game? There can't have been a new game!_

_Agni: We don't recall being in any new game – they could hardly make a new one without us!_

_Gilgamesh: Well, they can and they did._

_Pandora: Weren't we getting breakfast?_

_Pandora: Not like you need it, you fat cow._

_Pandora: Just because I'm not an anorexic bitch like you!_

_Pandora: (Wails uncontrollably)_

_Pandora: Leave her alone! Look, now you've upset her!_

_Pandora: She started it!_

_Pandora: Who asked you?_

_Pandora: What's going on? I just got here._

_Pandora: Okay, everybody just SHUT UP! I can't hear myself think!_

-

The rest of the weapons left Pandora to argue amongst him/herself, and headed for the kitchen.

Long story short, they blew everything up.

"You idiot!" Agni hollered at Rudra "Sugar doesn't go in the _fridge_! Now look what you've done!"

"I – I really didn't think that it could possibly..." Rudra mumbled as the flames in the kitchen soared higher and higher.

"Well, you were _wrong_, weren't you?!" Agni hollered furiously "_WRONG_!"

_10 minutes later..._

"Don't worry about that," Vergil reassured them as they stood outside the smouldering ruins of his house. "I can just get a new one. I'm very inexplicably rich. The authors like me, you see. Unlike that..._Neeerrroooo_ fellow."

"We're terribly sorry about those fangirls..." Rudra said "It's a pity they never made it out..."

"Oh, them?" Vergil scoffed dismissively, waving it off "There's plenty more where they came from."

"You're such a good feller, son," Sparda rasped, actually managing to ruffle Vergil's hair fondly as he levitated.

There was a long and protracted silence, as Vergil's hand slowly rose to clench his hair.

"Master Vergil, are you quite...alright?" Agni asked hesitantly.

Vergil said nothing.

It was then that they noticed that the small stones on the ground started to shudder, and a vague rumble was heard. A window in a nearby car shattered, then the alarm went off.

Vergil himself was now hovering in mid-air, ascending slowly.

A fire hydrant bent out of shape, suddenly producing an impressive stream of pressurised water. Nearby pets and local animals were to be seen fleeing, much to their owners' dismay and surprise.

The rumbling intensified, and a general darkness swept over the land, the sky obscure behind the looming black clouds. Just below, endless flocks of birds were seen evacuating the land amidst deafening squawks of terror.

"_Neverrr..._" rumbled Vergil, his voice distorted due to his unbounded rage.

The swords recoiled to the best of their physical capacities.

"_Toooouuuch..._" Vergil continued, lightning dancing around his form.

"_The...HAAAAIIIIIRRRRR!__"_Vergil bellowed, the weapons flinching as small droplets of spit made sharp contact with their faces.

After a blinding flash of light, what had appeared to be Vergil was now a terrifying devil of unimaginable badass-ness.

"Time to run?" Agni suggested conversationally.

"Yes. Quite." Rudra responded casually.

"Would you say?" he queried the other weapons doubtfully. There was a deafening telepathic response of '**Yes!!**' (accompanied by one, unsure "_no?_").

Agni, summoning a mighty tempest, blew most of the weapons away, save for Lucifer.

"Oh, by the way," Rudra called back as an afterthought "You're heroically staying back to ensure we get away. Just to let you know."

"_Wait __–__ wha-?__"_ Lucifer tried to reason with the pair.

"Enjoy the fourth game – _bitch_!" Agni called out with glee as they were blown away.

As Lucifer turned to face Vergil - somehow – he vaguely heard two delighted voices conversing;

_Rudra: You said 'bitch'!_

_Agni (utterly thrilled): I know!_

"_Okay..._," Lucifer thought grimly to himself "_Hit me with your best sh-__"_

Vergil killed him.

* * *

The pack of weapons was assembled outside of an admittedly less impressive house. In fact, it was a perfectly normal house to be frank. Complete with a garden gnome. It was kind of gay, (the house, not the gnome. In fact, the gnome was meticulously homophobic. He didn't like the house. No.)

"Are you sure this is the place?" Rudra stated, observing the house with an unimpressed glance.

"Well, Master Dante told us never to come here either," Agni explained sagely "Plus, I don't know how, but we all just sort of ended up here, so I'm sure it's relevant."

"Very well, let us proceed," said Rudra optimistically.

Using their previous methods, they activated the doorbell, which was depressingly normal.

"No funny sound?" Cerberus whined telepathically.

"Not to worry, old boy!" Agni reassured him, then turning to Rudra "I'm sure that this character will be positively _delightful_!"

"Oh, absolutely!" Rudra confirmed cheerfully "I mean, how bad could he be?"

The twin swords beamed encouragingly at each other as the door was eventually opened. There, clad in a frilly apron, stood Nero.

The smiles were immediately washed from Agni and Rudra's face, but after a momentary pause, they had smiles on their faces again, albeit they were evidently forced to a painful degree.

"_Ohhh_..." Agni said as painful realisation hit him, still broadly smiling falsely as though he were about to attempt grating cheese with his teeth.

"..._Hiiiii_..." Rudra managed through a cheery grimace.

"Oh, hi guys!" Nero chirped merrily, waving enthusiastically "What are you doing here?"

"Oh...us? What are _we_ doing here?" Rudra repeated, as though to ask himself; 'what _are_ we doing here?'.

"We were just – just looking around you see – lovely day for a stroll and all that, wouldn't you agree?" Agni offered helpfully.

"_WE__'__RE HOMELESS!__"_blared Pandora, who had temporarily transformed into a loudspeaker.

"Oh, how awful..." Nero remarked sincerely "...well, there's always room in the Nero household!"

"Oh, _no_, we couldn't _possibly_ intrude, we're sure you're obviously busy...somehow..." Rudra answered humbly.

"Oh, no really, it's no problem - " Nero began.

"_No._ We _can__'__t_." Agni cut across firmly.

"I insist!" Nero said, spreading his arms wide.

Realising that they could not win an argument against such preposterous politeness, they changed tactics.

"Oh, sure, you're a life saver!" Rudra announced as though to an audience "We're just going to go get our..._bags..._"

"That's right, that's right! Our _bags_!" Agni exclaimed, delighted at Rudra's quick thinking "Yes, our bags over by that bus stop."

"From which one might get on a bus," Rudra stated blankly.

"If...one wanted to do so, of course..."

"...to get to a location that's...not..._here_."

"If one were ever to want such a thing."

"Not that we do! We're just...getting our _bags_..."

"Getting our _bags_!"

"Behind that hedge..."

"Behind that hedge! Behind that hedge from which one would be hidden from sight from the house..."

"That's enough."

"...okay."

"Nonsense! You're in my hospitality! Let me get them..." Nero said, waving his hand dismissively, before venturing behind the hedge.

"You don't seem to have any bags" he called out.

"Right you are!" Agni agreed heartily, before sharing a mock laugh with his brother "How silly of us to forget that we didn't _have_ any bags!"

"Of course, we're _swords!_ Why on earth would we have bags?!" Rudra chipped in helpfully.

"Really? You seemed fairly certain about a second ago that-" Nero interjected uncertainly.

"What? _Us? Bags?_ Pah, we _hate_ bags!" Agni snorted derisively.

"_Detest_ the things!" Rudra confirmed passionately.

"Oh...okay then," Nero said, somewhat confused "So...you're coming in, then?"

"What? NO!" Rudra roared defiantly, before quickly catching himself "- er, I mean..._no._ We have to...have to..."

"Get our _bags!_" Agni exclaimed.

"No, we've already tried that one," Rudra mumbled to his twin.

"Oh."

"Well, your friends don't seem to have anything to do. They've gone inside," Nero remarked from the door frame.  
Indeed, Agni and Rudra were alone on the front step. Cursing incoherently to themselves, they entered – somehow – in search for their friends, without which they could not leave.

"Don't – touch – anything," Agni hissed through his teeth, and Rudra nodded the affirmative.

"Is that roast beef I smell?" Rudra said in an attempt to stall Nero, glancing around for his companions.

"Oh, that – that's for Kyrie and the electrician upstairs," Nero replied absent-mindedly, loosening his apron.

"What are they doing upstairs?" Agni queried interestedly.

"Oh, well, according to Kyrie there's some electrical problem. He's just showing her some way to fix it in bed. Me – hah – I haven't a clue about electronics. Good thing she called the professional, eh?" He laughed brightly, waving a hand.

"That's fairly naive of you," Rudra commented.

"Not so bad yourself!" Nero chortled, pretending he knew what 'naive' meant.

With an audible '_ding_' from the oven, the roast was evidently ready.

"Be right back," Nero stated before affixing the apron back on himself and rushing into the kitchen.

Following Nero, the two entered the kitchen. Humming merrily, Nero was bending over next to a stove, and tugging out the sizzling roast with his thick oven mittens.

As Nero heaved the sizable roast, which was evidently quite a juicy shank of lamb onto an impressive silver platter, he embroidered said shank with mint and the roast potatoes which had been roasting by the lamb so as to soak in the juices. Nero had coated the roast potatoes with garlic and rosemary, as well as with goose fat. Accompanying the lamb and potatoes were chopped carrots cooked in butter, peppered with parsley.

The meal as a whole actually looked tempting, if not a bit expensive. Why, if Agni and Rudra considered Nero above poisining them, they might have asked for a bite.

"Who's the feast for?" Rudra inquired enviously.

"Oh, this?" Nero asked, almost surprised to look down and find a meal in his arms "This is just a light snack for Kyrie and the electrician...they say that they need it for energy...electronics must be tiring, I don't know much about it myself..."

Nero shrugged and clambered up the stairs, rather concerned about the noises he was hearing; Kyrie must be in pain or something.

The twin swords turned to their friends, who were at ease in the kitchen.

"What are you all doing?" Agni hissed.

_-telepathic conversation-_

_Nevan: What? He seems like a little sweetie._

_Cerberus: Was that lamb?_

_Rudra: No, it was **poison**! He's...he's trying to kill you all!_

_Ifrit: He what?! Are you sure?!_

_Agni: Of course! There he is...making a...a..._roast_ of sorts. It _must_ be poison!_

_(All weapons (knowingly): Ahhhh)_

_Rebellion: Did he by any chance tell you this?_

_Agni: Well, no, but it's obvious -_

_Rebellion: Did he even make reference to poison, and that alongside reference to us?_

_Rudra: Of course he did!_

_Rebellion: Really?_

_Rudra: No._

_Rebellion: So, then how -_

_Agni: SHUT UP!_

_-end telepathic conversation-_

"Hey, could one of you guys come and help me for a sec?" Nero's voice echoed from up the stairs.

"Can't you do _anything_ by – oh, fine," Agni growled irritably.

Seconds later, they were upstairs.

"Wow. How did this happen?" Rudra asked, sounding intrigued.

"I don't know...let's just assume that it's plot-relevant for us to be here," Agni replied mysteriously.

"So, uhm, could one of you guys open the door for me? My hands are kinda full," Nero asked reasonably.

"That could be difficult," Rudra pointed out.

"How so?" Nero asked.

"We have no limbs," Agni responded.

"Then how did you go up the stairs?" Nero asked, confounded.

...

The door opened.

"Like that," Rudra stated simply.

Nero sidled cautiously in the door with the tray, careful not to drop any of the food.

Inside, Kyrie and what appeared to be a muscular, hairy Super Mario were under the sheets, smoking casually.

"Brought some food for the two of -" Nero began, but tripped over a discarded belt of the electrician's, almost dropping the tray. The food teetered dangerously to the side of the tray, but Nero, having an excellent sense of balance, expertly kept everything on the platter. The entire meal had retained it's perfectly sumptuous demeanour.

"You almost dropped that," Kyrie stated in an accusing tone.

"Yeah, close call, huh?" Nero chortled, bringing the tray forward.

Kyrie extended her arm, her palm closed in a rejective gesture.

"You almost dropped that," she repeated pointedly.

"I know. Good thing I didn't though, right?" Nero replied with a winning smile.

"I'm not eating that _now_," Kyrie spat, repulsed "It's got all..._almost_ germs on it. Go make it again...twice."

"But..." Nero began tentatively, but he knew it was futile. Hanging his head, he turned tail and walked out.

"What happened?" Rudra asked him.

"I – I messed up," Nero stuttered "I almost dropped it. I have to make it again...twice."

"You don't have to take that," Agni told him firmly "Go back in there and assert your authority. Really. From what I've heard, you were her heroic hero and all that. Go!"

"You're right!" Nero exclaimed, placing the tray on the ground and inflating somewhat with confidence "I've been pushed around too much!"

And with that Nero turned to enter the bedroom again. Three seconds later he reappeared, covering his eye, looking deflated.

"What happened this time?" Rudra demanded impatiently.

"Nothing...we- we reached an agreement...now I've to back into the kitchen..." Nero muttered feebly.

"What happened to your eye?" Agni queried.

"I fell down the stairs," Nero replied quickly.

"But you were just in the bedroom," Rudra countered with narrow eyes.

"It's okay – I deserved it," Nero whimpered.

"Whoah, that's -" Rudra began, then stopped.

......

......

"No." Agni stated.

"No," Rudra confirmed "That's enough. This is just awful. This is in awful taste, even for us."

"_Shame_ on you two," Agni told the authors "We're moving to the next scene now."

"We're leaving!" Rudra shouted downstairs.

_-telepathic conversation-_

_Alastor: What happened?_

_Agni: The authors took it too far. We're leaving._

_-end telepathic conversation-_

* * *

"What do we do now, brother?" Agni asked his twin grimly.

The weaponry were assembled on the streets in the rain.

"What have we left?" Rudra asked.

"Enough for this week's rent, and a mac," was Agni's response.

"A mac? How did we get a mac?" Rudra stated, confused.

"Those homeless people were handing them out."

"Ah, yes, of course...but really...what now?" Rudra continued "I mean...we've tried Vergil's, and Nero's...and that's about all we have time left for in this chapter, so I'll assume that's as far as we're going to go...but what do we have lest to do now?"

"I don't know," Agni said miserably "Left in the rain on the streets, tried all possibilities...there's only one thing we can do..."

"What's that?" Rudra asked hopefully.

"We write, brother!" Agni answered simply, gesturing at the mac "We write our story..."

* * *

Dante encountered a random woman in the street. The two of them stopped in unison to meet each other, complete strangers as they were.

"Hello," Dante said brightly.

"Hello." she replied, equally brightly.

"You're quite nice," Dante told her.

"As are you," she responded.

"Let's fall in love," Dante suggested.

"Let's."

* * *

_Gromit: Isn't that heartwarming?_

_Joe: Your classic tearjerker, right there. _

_Gromit: Sometimes I think we outdo ourselves. I mean, it's short, simple, but...perfect. Eloquent, yet concise._

_Joe: Yeah. And we know we went a bit overboard at some point, but...meh._

_Gromit: Agreed._

_Joe: Did we originally intend to make a trilogy of this?_

_Gromit: Did I intend to tie a belt to my head?_

_Joe: Did – how long had _that_ been there?_

_Gromit: Fish?_

_Joe: Oh, dear, the whole fish thing again...oh well, at least he answered my question. _

_Gromit: Fish._

_Joe: Yup, til next time folks. Ciao._

_Gromit: Meow._


End file.
